Another Useless Self-Insert
by The One That Never Was
Summary: So. I got sucked into the game. It's one of those stories. R&R, no flaming, yadda yadda. Stop stalling and read the thing.


Part 1: I get sucked into the game. Of course.

"Ugh. So bored…nothing to play." I said, flopping down onto my bed face first.

"You dummy, you have lots of games! How's about playing a game on the PS2?" Said a familiar female voice. My friend, Jay was here, and I had almost forgotten about her. I sighed and said, "Fine….it has all the _good_ games, anyways. Hint Kingdom Hearts hint." I said, gaining a chuckle from her. I then roll over and sit up, looking at the games I have for the PS2. _Psychonauts_? Nope. Played that _way_ too many times. I then spot a game- one in my favorite JRPG series. _Tales of the Abyss_. HELL YEAH! That game is _awesome_! "Tales of the-"

"Abyss? Come on, dummy, you know I love that game."

"If that's true….I CALL JADE!"

"Oh, come on, that's not fair!"

"Who said shit about being fair?"

"True, true. Anyways, let us start!" She said, looking down at my PS2 and turning it on, the blocky-things- oh God, I used blocky things- coming up as usual. Then, the next thing I knew, I was seeing the opening, then the title screen. I grabbed controller 1 and she grabbed controller 2 and I chose the _New Game+ _option, chose my usual thingies (a.k.a., costumes and useless junk) and a new screen appeared. A text box came up in front of a pitch black screen, saying, 'UnKnOwN mOdE aCtIvAtEd.'

"What the hell is that?" Jay asked.

"I dunno-" I said, but suddenly everything went black. I found myself, and Jay of course, in a middle of a field.

I also found myself staring up at a woman. With long hair. Holding a staff. With that oh so familiar hair color that looks blond to me.

I was staring at Tear Grants. Tear motherfucking Grants. Ho-lee shits. The last thing I need is for Luke fon Fabre to show up and I'll know that I'm hallucinating. "Hello…" She said, before suddenly a boy with long, red hair, with an exposed belly, like Reid from Tales of Eternia's. "Who the hell is this?" He asked. "OH MY GOD ITS YURI LOWENTHAL-uh, I mean….hi…?" I said nervously, confusing both of them. "Yeah, mhm, we'll just ignore that. Bye." He said, walking away from me. "Hold on! What am I going to….shit, he's gone already." I said. I then heard Jay's voice, saying, "I found a sword!" and running back to me, instantly stopping when she saw Tear. "…." Jay said, nothing, but I could tell she was thinking the same thing I was. 

We were stuck inside the game.

At the hardest difficulty.

She passed the sword, in the sheath at the time, to me, and I caught it, examining it. I then unsheathed it and looked up at Jay. "I don't believe you."

"What?"

"You brought me a Cutlass."

"It's the best I could find, okay?"

"THIS IS OBVIOUSLY SUPPOSED TO ONLY BE IN THE CHEAGLE WOODS YOU IDIOT!" I yell, throwing the now sheathed sword at her forehead, knocking her backwards. "Who cares? Let's just use what we have!" Jay says, throwing the sword back at me, and I catch it with relative ease. "Fine, fine…" I say, standing up. "I'm just going to ignore what happened just now and ask you guys to come with us. I have a spare staff." Tear says, picking up a staff which was next to her and giving it to Jay, who held it by her side. "Sure." I say, looking around. "So…where'd red-head go?" I ask. "I don't know…" Tear said.

"HEEELP!" Came a yell. We all looked towards the source to see Luke and a monster, a Rhinossus from the looks of it. I sighed. "What an idiot. It's just a Rhinossus." I say before unsheathing my sword. "Hey, ugly thing!" I call out, the monster turning towards me. "Yeah, you! Come and get me!" The Rhinossus charged at me, and by instinct, I jumped onto its back, launching myself off of it from there. It seems that the slight push of my foot sent the Rhinossus off course into a bush.

"Easy." I say. I then spot some Filifolia hiding, at least two. I knew this was a real event in the game, though didn't know that extra monsters would come. I looked behind me to see Jay getting in a combat stance and moving next to me and Tear standing in the rear. Luke was to my left, Jay to my right, Tear in the rear. I noticed that rhymed. Anyways, this would be our setup 'till more guys came in. Suddenly, to add to the Filifolia, two Rhinossus came in. Dammit, I thought. This would be hard. Luke ran at a Filifolia and slashed down at it before using an upward slice, making both Luke and the Filifolia go into the air. I recognized this as Sougazan*. When Luke landed, the Filifolia was still in the air, and I took this as an opportunity to attack. I jumped up towards the airborne enemy and time seemed to stop around me as I slashed through the Filifolia, making it disappear. Jay was running towards the second Filifolia, and it didn't take her long before she eventually beat it to death. She looked towards the other Rhinossus, as if warning them, to which the monsters ran away to. Then, it seemed that a skit was starting, as we went into skit mode. "What are your names?" Tear asked. "My name is Jordan, this is Jay." I said. "Oh. Well, Jordan, it seems that Luke's sword skills might be inferior to yours!" She said. "I wouldn't count on it…" I said before we then went out of said skit mode.

"I'm suddenly tired." I say, before passing out.

Part 2: I meet Jade Curtiss!

The next thing I knew, I was on Jay's back. Was. Right when I woke up, Jay had shook me off, causing me to fall and hit my head on the ground…of…Engeve. I looked up and saw Luke with an apple in his hand, saying, "Why do I have to pay?" I facepalmed. "You can't just take a store's products without paying!" Tear informed him.

"But the manor pays for everything all at once. ..Oh, wait, this is Malkuth."

"Malkuth OR Kimlasca, the normal way to shop at a store is to pay money for what you buy when you buy it."

"I haven't got any money on me!"

"You have the money the monsters dropped."

"Oh, yeah. It's not gold so I'd forgotten all about it."

"Hey! If you're not going to pay, I'm going to have you arrested!" Said the fruit store-keeper.

"Nobody said anything about not paying! ...So, uh, how does this work?"

"All right, let's explain how shops work…" Tear said.

For the sake of no boredom, we skip this and head to the left of where the event happened.

"Would you go get some miso from the lady at the water mill?" A woman asked.

"Well, I guess…" Luke said. Not too far away was the water mill, which we eventually reached. We saw an old lady. "Hmm? What is it?" She asked. "Hey, granny, give me some miso." Luke said, quite rudely. "…Honestly, Luke…just stand back and let me ask," Tear said. Luke got out of the way and Tear went in his place. "Excuse us, we're preparing dinner at the house in the rear, but we've run out of miso…" Tear explained. The old lady nodded and said, "Oh, I see. Will this work for you?" The old lady asked. "Thank you very much." Tear said politely. Luke then butt in, saying, "You're dismissed."

"G-Goodbye, now." Tear said, as we left the building. We then went to the lady to asked us to do this and Tear walked up to her, saying, "Is this what you needed?" "Oh, thank you. Now it's complete. As thanks, I'll teach you how to make pasta." She did what she promised to do. "I'll go ahead and give you some leftover ingredients too." She said as we got some extra ingredients. "Now why don't you try cooking for your boyfriend here?" She asked. "Yeah, let's go…" I said, walking out, the others following. We ended up in front of some building, seeming to have gotten food stolen from them. "You think maybe some deserters hiding out up there have started to come here looking for food?" A man asked his own group. "Or it could be the work of the Dark Wings, too." Another man suggested. "It's just food. Would those Dark Wings guys really bother to steal that?" Luke asked. _'He's got a point…'_ I thought. The whole group turned around and a man, who I instantly recognized as Kelly said, "What do you mean, 'just food?!' In this village, food is the most valuable thing there could possibly be!" The man, Kelly said. "Oh, come on. So someone stole it—just go buy some more." Luke said. _'Luke stop…'_ I thought. "What?! We break our backs all year tending these fields!" A man said. "Hey, I just heard Kelly's place got hit by a food thief, too…" A man with short, blond hair said, running up to the group. He noticed Luke and said, "It's you! So, you didn't just steal from me, you were at it over here, too, huh?!" He assumed. "What…? You're the one who raided my storehouse?!" Kelly asked. "They say the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime." Another man said. _'These people are all idiots.'_ I thought. "Are you calling me a thief?!" Luke asked, quite angrily, I might add. "You tried to steal an apple from me!" The man said. "That's it, I'm taking you to the authorities!" Kelly said. He then kicked Luke inside a building. "Rose, we've got trouble!" A man with a bandana-looking thing declared. I then saw…HOLY SHIT, JADE? JADE CURTISS? "Hush! We've got an important guest from the military here. Calm down!" Rose said. Kelly picked Luke up and said, "How can we be calm?! We caught him! We caught the guy stealing food!" Kelly informed. "I'm telling you, it wasn't me!" Luke said, and I knew he was actually right. "Rose! This guy may be with the Dark Wings!" Bandana-guy suggested. "He's got to be responsible for all the foody getting stolen lately!" A man, who I can't describe as he was off-screen at this point in the game said. Luke got himself out of Kelly's grip and put his hands on his hips. "I'm telling you people, I'm not your damn thief!" Luke said. Why couldn't they trust him? Oh, he was Luke. "Do I look like I'm going hungry to you?!" Luke asked. "Well, your stomach does look a little-" I said before getting interrupted. "Shut it." Luke said. "My, my, what a lively boy. Let's all just settle down first, all right?" Rose suggested. "I vouch for that." I said. "Yes, please do." The man in the blue-ish uniform said. "Colonel…" Rose said. "Who the hell are you?" Luke asked the man, who I already knew was Jade. I mean, how can you forget Jade? HE'S FRIGGIN' JADE! "I'm Colonel Jade Curtiss, Third Division, Malkuth Imperial Forces. And who might you be?" Jade asked Luke. "Luke. Luke fon-" Luke started to say, but was interrupted by Tear who grabbed his arm. "Luke!" Tear interrupted. "What's your problem?" Luke asked. Have you forgotten? This is enemy territory. Your father, Duke Fabre, is one of Malkuth's greatest enemies. Don't use your name so casually." Tear informed Luke, quietly. "Oh. Really?" Luke asked. "Yes. There are plenty of people here who've had family killed by your father." Tear said. "You don't want any unnecessary trouble, do you?" Tear asked. "Is something wrong?" Jade asked. Tear pushed Luke down and went to face Jade. "My apologies, Colonel. He's Luke. I'm Tear." Tear said. "And I'm Jordan, and this is Jay!" I said, pointing to Jay, who looked like she was still trying to process the fact that Jade was here in her mind.

"We were headed for Chesedonia, but we boarded the wrong coach and wound up here." Tear informed Jade, seeming to be ignoring me. "Oh? So you and your group are with this man suspected of being with the Dark Wings?" Jade asked. "We're not with the Dark Wings. The Malkuth military forced the real Dark Wings to the other side of Rotelro Bridge." Tear informed. "Ah… I see. So you were on that coach from earlier." Jade said. "What is all this about, Colonel?" Rose asked. I could see Jade's red eyes from behind his glasses. "Just as Tear said, a group of bandits thought to be the Dark Wings fled towards Kimlasca." Jade declared. _'And I missed this because I was asleep…'_ I thought. "I can assure you that these two are not with them." Jade said. _'Yes! Jade Curtiss is on our side!'_ I thought happily. "They don't appear to be mere food thieves, either." Said an all-too familiar voice. Oh god, now Ion's here! Jade turned his head to the voice. "Fon Master Ion…" Jade said. Me, Jay, Tear, Luke, and Kelly moved to the side to allow Fon Master Ion to come in. "I was a bit curious, so I investigated the food storehouse." Ion said. "I found this in a corner of the room." Ion informed, holding out fur from a sacred cheagle and passing it to Rose. She inspected it. "This is fur from a sacred cheagle." She said. _'No shit Sherlock, I've played the game enough so that I actually know this!' _I thought. "Yes. A cheagle is what probably raided your food stores." Ion suggested. "See! I told you I wasn't a thief!" Luke said, turning to Kelly. "But you did eat that apple before paying." Tear reminded Luke, her arms crossed and looking in a different direction at the time. "You need to learn not to do things that'll make you look suspicious." She informed intelligently.

"How was I supposed to know? I didn't know I had to pay." Luke admitted. "Yeah, he is a bit stupid…" I said. "See? Jordan knows!" Luke said. "Well, that takes care of that. I think you all have something to say to this boy and his three friends?" Rose asked. "…I'm sorry. With all the burglaries lately, I've been a little on edge." Kelly admitted, scratching the back of his head. "Sorry for accusing you." Bandana-guy said. "I'm sorry I made the situation worse." Said another man. "Do you think you could forgive them, boy?" Rose asked Luke. "I'm not a boy…" Luke said, sounding like he was complaining. "I'm sorry. Luke, could we let bygones be bygones?" Rose asked. "…Yeah, whatever." Luke said. "Glad to hear it. Now, I have business with the colonel. I'll think of a way to stop the cheagles. All of you go on home for today." Rose said. Everybody left the building, but Luke looked back at Fon Master Ion before shrugging and eventually leaving as well. "Why is Fon Master Ion here…" Tear said to herself. "Fon Master Ion?" Both Luke and Jay asked. "The supreme leader of the Order of Lorelei." Tear informed. Jay looked as if she was going to faint before recovering, which Tear and Luke seemed to miss. "Hey, wait a minute. I heard Ion was missing. Master Van said he was returning home to look for him!" Luke said. "Really? That's news to me. He didn't look like he was being held captive…" Tear said, her arms now crossed. "I'll go ask him." Luke said, turning around. "Stop. They seemed to be in the middle of an important discussion. Let's come back tomorrow." Tear suggested. "Humph. Why do I have to follow your orders?" Luke asked. "Because she's smarter than you…" Jay informed. Luke sighed and followed Tear away from the building. We headed to the Inn and noticed Anise at the counter. "Have you seen the person I was with?! A boy, pretty short? Kind of out of it?" The kid asked, her puppet-like thing on her shoulder. "Sorry, I was away from the inn for a little while…" Said Kelly's voice. "Honestly, that Ion! Where did he run off to?" Anise asked. Luke noticed. "Ion? You mean Fon Master Ion?" He asked. "He's at Rose's!" I exclaimed. "Really? Thank you!" Anise said, running out the door, but she got stopped by Luke. "Hey, wait a second. What's the Fon Master doing here? I heard he was missing…" Luke admitted. "Ack!" Anise said, looking surprised. "Are there rumors like that floating around?! I have to tell Ion!" She said, and ran out the door. "Hey! …Humph. She didn't answer my question." Luke said, annoyed. "Well, that's Anise for ya." I said. Luke turned to me. "You know her?" He asked. "I've heard of her." I said, trying to cover up the fact that I knew her name. "She looks like a Fon Master Guardian, so I assume Ion's journey is officially recognized by the Order of Lorelei." Tear said. "Fon Master Guardian?" Luke asked. "Special force, accompany him." I explained in a way that Luke could understand. "Oh." He said. "That kid is one of Master Van's soldiers, huh…" Luke said. "What was up with Ion being 'missing'? I'm gonna be so mad if that was just a mistake!" Luke said, and I could tell he meant it. I saw a man, who had all the items. "Hey, let's stock up on supplies." By the time we ended, we got a Cutlass for Luke, as I already had one, two Wands for Jay and Tear, Capes for everyone but Tear, and 7x Apple and Orange Gels, 1 Life Bottle, and 11x Magic Lens. It seems that Tear had some extra money on her, so we could afford everything. Oh, and we got a Bracelet for Tear. With my Cape on, I turned to Kelly. "Any idea if we could stay here?" I asked him. "Stay for free, it's the least I can do to say sorry about today."

**Author: So. I got in a Self-Insert. I want this to go on for a long while.**

*I am using the Japanese names of artes.

Author: I will be doing this alongside another Self-Insert for-  
Asbel: My game!  
Author: Yep! That sure is right! Bye for now, folks, and I want to hear your feedback on this.


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